Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Apparently, money CAN buy you love, or Whiteness can.

That’s the darkside of tourism in Boracay… the seedy side. Boracay is seen as something of a sexual Mecca for Caucasian dudes.

Walking along the beaches of Boracay, it’s not hard to see hot, young Filipino girls doing adult-rated nasties with less than savoury Caucasian guys.

I know that some of these are actual cases of real love. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to believe that MOST of them are. It’s just very hard to be convinced when you see a young girl hanging on the arm of a guy who looks like he might have been around when Boracay separated from the rest of the Philippines when the tectonic plates shifted; or she looked like she might have been evolved from a portion of his belly that mysteriously gained sentience from a potent mixture of beer and hot dogs.

I don’t want to make racial stereotypes. I just see them.

Normally, our policy for this is that we’d ignore them, since it doesn’t really affect us (that much). It makes for great dinner conversations and endless games of “Nudge Nudge Wink Wink”.

But once in a while, an incident comes along that makes me want to shout at the girls to “WAKE UP THEIR IDEAS!!”

We were supposed to go for a wreck dive just off White Beach. The initial arrangement was the two of us going out with a dive master at 1130 in the morning. At 1120am, a (I’m being nice here) grotesquely obese white guy barged into the dive centre and demanded that he wanted diving lessons for his (local) girlfriend. Since the next lesson was at 3 in the afternoon, he declared that he would be going out with us for the wreck dive to “kill time”. Without the decency to check if we were ok with it, he began the elaborate and sloooooooooooow process of preparing his underwater camera while his girlfriend fawned over him and his expensive equipment.

Guess whose time he “killed”?

To be honest, at that point in time, we were still thinking that it’s quite sweet of him to want his girlfriend to experience the wonders of the underwater world with him. That’s when, (possibly) egged on by the girlfriend, he stated to the dive master that he would not be needing a dive suit. Thinking that we could not understand him (we were doing our “No Understand English, You Give Us Good Price” double act), he waved his paw in our general direction and said, “See, these AMATUERS need the dorky suit.” His girlfriend proceeded to tell him (I cannot make this shit up) that he is very “Man”, to which he gave a slow (and no doubt, very manly) nod.

Eventually, we set off for our one hour dive at 12.

We were back on the dive boat at 1225.

SOMEONE couldn’t handle the cold without the dive suit and expended his oxygen canister at double the usual rate. (I am guessing the excess gloob all around him did not help either)

I wish I could say that we had a lot of fun making snide remarks about how “manly” someone was (in ENGLISH) on the boat ride back, but it was very small payback for wasting half our dive.

And then there are the pickups.

We’ve never really been the “fairest of them all” (by “we”, I mean “Jo”), and unsurprisingly we got progressively darker the more days we spent on the beach. It reached a point that people started mistaking us for Filipinos.  One thing I noticed was that as we became more tanned, Jo became more of a target for pickup by slimy white men when we hung out along the beach.

Again, I don’t make racial stereotypes, I just see them.

You would think that I would have a problem with that because some of them tried their shit the MOMENT I left Jo alone for a minute. It’s just that some of their pickup lines are so bad, I actually started feeling sorry for them…. not to mention it was kind of funny to see Jo desperately resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

Apart from the occasional “I saw you out there *wriggle eyebrows* You look gorgeous in that bikini”, actual lines attempted (and verified by me as I returned just in time to watch them squirm…) (and I stress again, I CANNOT make this shit up):

“I know… my accent’s a bit strange, but that’s because I’m mixed. I’m half Jewish and half awesome.”

and my all time favourite

“How do you find Boracay? I mean, what’s the most exciting activity you’ve done so far… besides meeting me?”

There is something to be said about misplaced confidence.

Disclaimer: Of course, I am not saying all Caucasians are in Boracay for sex. We met some really cool Caucasian dudes who were really fun, grounded and totally non-sleazy. It’s just that the ones whom we saw/heard the most of are the lousy ones busy showboating for their new girlfriends.

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One thought on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

  1. Oh my, those are terrible. I can imagine Jo’s reactions!

    And yes, Caucasians with local women looking too young to be with them are sadly a common sight around here, not just in Boracay.

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