I want my heroes back!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I need to interrupt our regular programming to send an urgent message to the assholes who are in charge of big budget Hollywood superhero movies: Stop Emo-fying all my Heroes!

This is, of course, my totally biased rant about that new Superman movie, Man of Steel.

We all know that Christopher Nolan did an amazing job with his Dark Knight trilogy. The story telling and directing were amazing, but at the centre of it all, we have Batman.

Batman

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Batman, of course is a total bad ass when it comes to kicking ass and taking names. But the thing that brings his coolness quotient through the roof is his predisposition to skulk in the dark, brooding about the different ways he could make the bad guys eat their teeth for supper.

If you think about it, Bruce Wayne actually has a legitimate reason to mope in the dark. It is probably not a very good idea for him to charge at armies of gun-toting goons in brightly colored costumes and spouting wise crack, seeing that he is a puny, squishy human bean… He is one stray bullet away from a very permanent retirement from his role as the King of Emo Hill.

Also, I suppose seeing his parents killed in front of him…. and then spending years wandering through the wilderness… and then having extended stays in rundown prisons in the shit end of the world… and then living with batshit crazy ninja assassins… just so he could train to become Batman. These things normally do something to a person’s outlook in life.

Now, enter these two douche bags:

the emo heroes

They woke up one morning, realizing that they’ve suddenly developed super strength/speed/agility/senses/pouty lips/abs and the screenwriters of The Amazing Spiderman and Man of Steel make them bitch about it for the rest of the movie like whiny teenage girls who’d gotten a bad outbreak of acne.

Young Clark2

It does not make any sense!

But then again, perhaps it does…

For the past half decade or so now, Hollywood had been down with a serious case of “AppealToTeenageGirlsandCrazyMumsAtAllCost-ilitis”, or in layman’s terms “The Friggin Twilight Syndrome”.

Even a pop culture idiot like me knows that muscle bound, strong leading men like Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford and Sean Connery are passé. Even metrosexual types like Brad Pitt, Keanu and Johnny Depp are not that “in” now too. The type of guys that have the most appeal now are the hipster emotional type who spend too much time staring gloomily into the distance with a hoodie over their face.

1000 years from now, an archaeological expedition will unearth a collection of films (pirated hard disks?) from our era, pop those babies into uber-cool holographic drives and wonder why their male ancestors were such pussies.

Anyway, my point is… the emo thing fits Batman like a glove because he is THE Batman. Along the same line, Peter Parker is the inspiration for nerds and geeks everywhere and Superman stands for truth, justice and the American (as understood by a British actor) way.

Superman is the Ned Stark of the comic book world. He has a code of ethics so strong it borders on the stupid, but that’s what makes him so appealing. He is the anti-thesis of Batman. He is the embodiment of hope and his innate faith in the goodness of humanity is what makes him Superman.

To crush all that beneath the platform shoes of teenage girls and try to make him more like a certain mopey vampire is wrong on so many different levels.

So please…. give me my heroes back!!

Corny (and slightly loserly, I know) as it sounds, when I was young I had heroes that taught me “with great powers come great responsibility”, that it is not possible to be fearless but it is important to have the power to overcome great fear, that “any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for” and that there is a universal answer to all questions that you cannot answer (“I’m Batman”). (seriously, try the last one. It is FUN).

I am VERY sure that not all teenage boys need a hero who tells them that “Bella, before you, my life is a moonless night”. (Yes, I Googled the shit out of that and I hated myself immediately after…)

Give me my heroes back!!!

================================================================

Also… SPOILER ALERT… I’ve obtained a secret copy of the entire screenplay of Man of Steel which I shall share below:

<Opening Credits>

CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW

Amy Adams making googly eyes

CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW

Henry Cavill takes off shirt. (Pew Pew Pew)

CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM CRASH BAM BOOM PEW PEW PEW CHI BA BOOM

<Roll Credits>

<THE END>

One thought on “I want my heroes back!!

  1. I love my anti-heroes, but I also love you for identifying that they’re trying to hard to hipster-ise all super heroes.

    Batman is dark and brooding (my type). That makes him special.

    Superman WAS all goody-two-shoes (not my type). But that still makes him special.

    Now that they’re all emo.
    meh

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